So, as some of you may have realised, i've not posted for quite sometime.
There's been a few reasons for this.
Mainly, i've been having such an awful time with my Endometriosis that i've found it virtually impossible to concentrate on anything else and secondly, i've been feeling so low in myself both mentally and physically that i've been unable to cope.
Most of the time i'm able to hold myself together so that I look like a normal functioning human being but i've become so tired and drained lately, trying to ride out symptoms that don't ever fade and cope with the mental strain that my conditions put upon me.
I recently, (and rather stupidly may I add) made an attempt upon my own life a couple of weeks ago. The stress of everything felt too much, like a thousand bricks on top of me, crushing the life from me. I am so tired, waiting for an operation date that seems like it will never come, just in the hope to get some relief.
My chronic fatigue is worse than ever and never seems to lessen, no amount of sleep makes me feel any more refreshed. My limbs are heavy, my eyelids heavier. My bladder burns and stings and stabs in ways I never thought possible, constantly making relieving myself toilet wise (something which sound be normal) an absolute ordeal. Pelvic pain haunts me incessantly, day and night and all I can seem to do is stand there, gawping like a great fish out of water, gasping for breath, hoping that with the next intake of breath my pain will fade. It doesn't.
Since coming off co-cyprindol
/dianette (my last pill for my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) that I was on for almost 10 years, I've felt like i've been sliding down a very long steep hill. My hair has begun to fall out again in clumps and strands all day and my skin seems to be thinking that i'm a teenager again- something which i dread as I was put on dianette to try to control my severe acne which later resulted in me going onto a 6 month course of ro-accutane. I've not had a period in 2 months now which i'm sure is due to the stopping of dianette and I have no idea when to expect the next wave of week long fresh hell. I'm so exhausted, all of my tablets make me tired, and then i'm tired anyway due to chronic fatigue and having restless disturbed sleep.
I'm supposed to be starting the pill Yasmin back to back for 3 months at a time to see if it makes a difference in regards to my Endometriosis. I'm not holding my breath though.
University feels like an ocean ready to swallow me whole as I fight just to even produce anything of value. This semester/year I'm focusing my work on my experiences with PCOS and Endometriosis. I'm hoping to share my story, inner feelings and thoughts whilst simultaneously raising awareness and making people aware fo the stigma that is attached to people suffering from invisible illnesses. My conditions don't define me, but they are a huge part of my life which cannot be ignored so why not draw from them and hopefully create a positive out of a negative?
I'm due to have a pre-op assessment over the telephone (new system i'm guessing) but after calling several numbers today have found out that despite this- i can't expect my operation in the next 4 weeks or so... so who knows how long before i'll get some help? I've waited another two years I guess so whats another couple of months? Of course this will take me to around christmas time- which is typically my luck but I am absolutely desperate to get any relief. I can't imagine my life continuing like this for much longer with no respite from the pain and fatigue, however i'm still here...barely...holding on.
Sending love to all of my incredibly strong and supportive Endosisters, Polycyster's and spoonie warriors out there.
Love always,
The Endo Artist.
x
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