Depression, Endometriosis and PCOS.

In all honesty I've genuinely struggled with my moods since I was very young. I remember at the age of 10 lying in my bunk bed and wondering if other kids my age thought the same way I did.

I've always been, as my family like to say "overly sensitive". As a person, I'm fairly easy to upset and I've always been incredibly empathetic. Even as a kid, I would see awful things happening on the news and I would instantly burst into tears because it was so terrible. The simplest of things could bring on a good sobbing session and I would find myself worrying about anything and everything. When I was younger, I  had a very strong connection with both my father and my aunt- relating both to them as being very sensitive souls.

My dad- whilst being a very tough exteriored man, was underneath a very soft and loving person, like me taking things very to heart, not that at that age I overly understood. He later developed Alcoholism which resulted in the breakdown of my mother and fathers marriage. As I started to approach (for lack of a better word) puberty, I found myself for hours and hours worrying about everything I couldn't control- feeling anxious about everything, especially around people I didn't know in general. I was excruciatingly shy and the onset of my periods and hormones only hightened this. Along with all my hormonal changes I developed a serious case of acne which started at the age of 13. It was absolutely terrible. My once soft skin was completely covered and it didn't take long for bullying to start. If I had a pound for every time I was called pizza face- I'd be a very rich lady! Most of this I endured in silence along with my horrific periods because I was under the illusion that it was MEANT to be like that. I often felt sad for no particular reason.  Sometimes it would come out of nowhere, in the happiest of moments, and other times it would grip me completely, clouding my every thought. I hated myself, couldn't overly relate to either of my sisters and whilst having a small group of friends felt there was always something not quite right in myself.

Things got worse as I got older, I began to take the simplest of things straight to heart. I became incredibly offended- and most of the time felt terrible. I found it hard to sleep and felt as though I couldn't relate to anyone. As most teenagers do, I started seeking comfort in my drawing and singing and music. (I went through a huge nirvana stage which we won't talk about) Haha. As I started to get older and complications with my periods, low mood and anxiety got worse, I confided in my aunt Fay. She was so incredibly understanding. (looking back, which I totally took for granted)

I confessed all about how anxious I felt, how self conxious I had become and how I would feel so lonely and isolated for sometimes no reason.  I could be in a room full of people and feel completely and utterly alone, as though I couldn't relate to a single person. I often found myself staring around in utter confusion. How could I feel this awful for no reason?  What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I sleep and enjoy growing up like most normal people?

With my aunt, I went to my gp and was started on amitriptyline at around 16, diagnosed with clinical depression. I stayed on this for several years despite it making it virtually impossible for me to function as a normal human being. I was lethargic and tired constantly- my low moods spiralling out of control daily. I had both a mentor, and a councillor throughout high school and college which helped me to focus less on my ever present negativity.

I'd self harmed for several years previous to this- often cutting my arms. I can't exactly say even now why I did this. I just felt so terrible some times and for no reason that I just wanted to have some control over what I was feeling. In all honesty, as I child I witnessed alot of domestic violence, substance abuse, and also my father on multiple occasions whilst struggling with his alcohol dependancy, attempting to take his own life. This obviously must of had some effect on me although I probably won't like to admit it.

After getting diagnosed with PCOS I felt in finally had some idea as to why my mood fluctuated so often- my hormones were completely out of control. Over the next few years I tried to put my moods and thoughts to the back of my mind. My mother- a tough love woman raised in a strict Scottish background despite her own personal struggles was very unsympathetic to the way I felt- if ever I cried or tried to explain how I felt- it was completely disregarded and I was told to stop crying as it was pathetic and weak and that only. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen my mother cry in her life- and I guess as people were all different. What she didn't understand, and I find many people around me still DONT understand is that I have literally no control of it. I can have the most fantastic time, things can be so positive and brilliant and yet I'll find myself just feeling terrible, so low and sad and negative.

After my diagnosis and treatment of Endometriosis, and after a very difficult relationship breakdown. ( the one which lead to me losing my locks with stress!) I began to feel worse and worse. My symptoms were dominating my every day life- and still are and I had actually made several attempts on my own life- not that I've shared that with any of my family, but ultimately the human nature to survive along with my complete cowardice- I've never done any significant harm or gone through with it. 5 Years ago I lost my aunt very suddenly to pneumonia. Something which haunts me on a daily basis. She struggled with depression and also alcohol dependency for years, never marrying or having children, me and my 2 sisters had become a focal point of her life and when she passed away I didn't cope particularly well and still struggle most days to accept that she is gone along with the knowledge that I never got to say goodbye or tell her that I loved her before she died.

2 years ago, as a result of (what I can only admit to be a mental breakdown) I was taken back to my gp by my family to start councilling at university and to start different anti-depressants. I briefly tried citroplam which didn't help for me personally- eventually going onto fluxotine which really does help, which I've been on for almost 2 years now. The fluxotine takes the edge off my anxiety and depression and helps me to appreciate my life and the people around me, yet I've found in the past year or so, along with my endometriosis which is raging out of control, that I've become totally unable to handle my feelings and emotions. I've probably been the worst depression wise currently that I've ever been. Endometriosis plays a huge part in that. My symptoms are chronic at present and makes it virtually impossible for me to remain positive.  What healthy people don't understand is that being in constant pain and discomfort changes you as a person. And to be honest I've never really functioned normally, if I had I wouldn't be writing this post. Really that's a brief summary of my ever present battle with depression. I have some fantastic days and I know that despite all my self absorbtion and what may come across as self pity- that I have so much to be thankful for, it doesn't stop how I feel.

The stigma around depression is terrible. Even now, despite making several breakthroughs in regards to mental health publicly, it's still thought of by alot of people as taboo. The main comfort I get, is that I'm not alone. I've accepted that ultimately due to my over production of hormones and just my general self nature I'm probably always going to battle with my self over my moods, anxiety and how I feel. I can only say that although in the depths of despair it feels utterly lonely- you're not. Because somewhere out there, there is someone who feels exactly that way too. I'd urge anyone who is struggling with mental health to talk to friends and family, go online, search on forums, go to concilling and find something that atleast makes some positive difference, no matter how small. I'm determined not to let depression get the better of me. I want to be happy.

I think ultimately no matter how hard and awful it can be sometimes, depression and struggle helps to mould us into some of the most interesting, strong and creative of people. Some of the most beautiful souls ive ever known have been these kind of people, and thats something to be proud of.

Sending lots of love,

The Endo Artist.