Things NOT to say to someone with a CHRONIC ILLNESS.

So, I thought I'd do a post which I'm pretty serious about. Both for me personally and I'm sure for all the lovely people battling with a chronic illness (or several) who hear some of these things on a daily basis. So for all of you condescending idiots out there, here's how to avoid SERIOUSLY upsetting someone who is already struggling more than you could ever know.

#1. But you don't look sick/ill/like anything is wrong.

Well you don't look like a condescending, insensitive, judgemental arsehole but you are. Just because you can't PHYSICALLY see a disease or medical condition DOES NOT mean that it does not exist. It does and I can guarantee you have zero idea of the suffering that person is coping with.

#2. I wish I could be as lazy as you are.

Whilst I'm sure you would relish sometime to not have to work/ go about daily activities, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't at the expense of being in constant mind-numbing pain, which makes you feel inadequate, lonely and completely isolated. We're not spending hours fetal taking pills because we're having a fantastic relaxing time shirking our responsibilities. Being house or bed bound is emotionally upsetting and can lead to anxiety, social issues and a constant feeling of guilt.

#3. Aren't you better yet?

What part of 'chronic' can't you understand.? If it was something that we could make disappear over night or even time- don't you think we would of tried it? Sadly it's something we have to endure on a daily, monthly and yearly basis and we're fierce tough bitches so you can shove your 'aren't you better yet' up your... ahem...arse.


#4. Can't you just take some painkillers?

Painkillers! Why by god! I'd never thought of that- said no one with a chronic illness ever. The chances are the person you're medically advising to take painkillers- despite your total lack of knowledge, is probably on more tablets than you can count on your hands, never mind spell. Paracetamol to us is like eating smarties, it doesn't even make a dent on the pain or discomfort were feeling. So keep your medical suggestions to yourself unless you're a qualified doctor.

#5. It can't be that bad.

It is. In fact it's worse. Imagine something that doesn't kill you but just makes it feel as though you're actually dying and you have no control over it. Under NO circumstances are we exaggerating, playing it up, after sympathy or for people to feel sorry for us. The chances are we are in more discomfort and pain than we will ever let on. Yes it's awful and challenging but no we don't want your sympathy although some sensitivity and understanding would be nice.


#6. My friends sisters dogs uncles brothers wife had that and they had 600 kids and they're fine now.

Well that's fucking fabulous for them isn't it. Every persons experience is personal and subjective. Whilst sadly most of us share similar symptoms, it doesn't necessarily mean that what has helped or worked for one person- will work for another and your un necessary, probably untrue success Chinese whispers are not welcome here.

#7. At-least you don't have to work.

Oh yes, how awesome. I love being confined to not only my bed on a regular basis but also the same four walls that make me feel hopeless and depressed. I love not being able to enjoy life to the full and do everyday normal things like see friends, shop, work, meet new people. There's nothing like pain filled isolation to make you feel great about yourself. Spend a few days trapped by your own body with no control and then tell me the same thing again.

#8. At-least it won't kill you.

Whilst we can appreciate that it may not be a terminal as such illness and can understand completely how horrific it must be for people dealing with such- it doesn't detract from the fact that we are suffering on a daily basis with virtually no relief or hope of a cure. Imagine something that doesn't kill you but just stops you from enjoying or living your life whilst you feel as though it is.

#9. I'm really tired too/ I feel the same.

You may be attempting to relate/comfort but I can guarantee that you probably don't.  That's not us big dismissive of how you feel but there are things medically going on within our bodies and brains/nerves/hormones that make us actually experience things differently than the average healthy person. When we say we're tired; we probably feel as though we've been hit with a truck. The fatigue I feel personally feels as though tiny holes have been drilled in each part of my body and have been filled with concrete. I'm heavy, tired, depressed and can hardly keep my eyes open.

#10. Yeah but is it an actual real condition though? You'll definitely be able to have kids.

Again whilst you might be attempting at making someone feel more hopeful you're really only making us feel as though it's in our heads. It's not. If I could wear my disease on the outside of my body I'm pretty certain no one would ever doubt me or my conditions. You're not a medical professional so you have absolutely no knowledge or expertise to tell us what our bodies will and won't let happen. As I said before, it's often subjective and personal. Not everyone would like children but still it's nice to have the option and not to be robbed of it. Deep down most of us keep alive the hope that we will be able to have our own family but it doesn't mean that we delude ourselves into thinking that we can defy science.


My main annoyance about some of these things is how often so many people around us say these things to us, especially those who are meant to be supportive and understand. I highly recommend if you haven't already, you extensively read up on your spouse's/partners/siblings/child's condition so that you have as much understanding as possible.

Knowledge about what people are experiencing really does make a huge difference and will effect how you treat us. We don't want people to feel sorry for us and we don't want to make people think our whole lives are one giant big sob story. We have lots to be thankful for and despite some- most of us are surrounded by loving and thoughtful understanding people but it's not always the case for everyone. If you've not experienced it then don't pretend to know how it feels. Be kind. Be supportive. Just be there. You don't have to try to force a false sense of hope upon us. Just being there and silently holding our hand through it all will be enough. Don't make us feel guilty or strange for the sacrifices we have to make in our lives in order to function. This goes for anyone, suffering from any condition or illness. Take the time to really consider how that person may feel and let them know that even though you can't always relate, that you are THERE. That's what matters to us.

And if you're one of those arrogant self absorbed arseholes who judge people based on something you have no knowledge of then....

Stay tough, fearless amazing babe's.  You are not alone. People's lack of understanding and sympathy is not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of them. 

You're fucking fabulous. The lot of you. 

KEEP FIGHTING!

Love,

The Endo Artist.

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